Well, today as I sit at my desk, in my 8-5 this morning, I am mentally done. Drained of all bandwidth for the day and it is only 8:47am. Every ring of the phone sends my mind on edge.
I am tired. Not physically, but mentally and spiritually. Tired of battling. Tired of fighting. Just tired.
These last few days I have imagined drowning in these waves I am in, to finally stop fighting and succumb to them and breath in the water, and the peace that would follow. Weird and morbid I know, but the reality of the imagery in my mind some days. A more beautiful picture would be running and hiding under the protective wing of God, and there is peace there too.
How do you claw yourself out of this? What steps do you take?
The how to's will always tell you, set boundaries, find another job, make the changes necessary to bring you out of it. But those steps take extra energy and bandwidth at the end of the day that you don't have. So, you are left pouring from an empty vessel. I know this, because I am 100% there. During my spare time, I find myself unable to think and focus, there is so much that I need to be doing but can't. I am frozen.
Recently, I have finally forced myself to soul search. Ask myself the difficult questions. What do you want? I am reminded of the scene from the Notebook, and I understand Allie's response to Noah when he posed that question, and she fought it replying, "It's not that simple!"
The problem is, I am a people pleaser. I have to account for everyone around me and what I perceive their expectations of me to be and then make my decision based on that and not the deep desires of my heart. I have lost myself. So, the truth, what do I want? To be a wife and mom first. To fill my days with homemaking and not the problems of other people. To spend my energy on my family first and not give them the leftovers. Do I need to work? Unfortunately, yes, but do I need to be a hot shot insurance sales producer, no.
So that is that. God can direct my path and open doors, but only I have the power to take that step to change this circumstance and walk through those doors.
So today, I pray for the momma who is battling as I am today. The one struggling between burn out and life.
May the peace of God settle on your soul and mind today. May He dry your tears and hide you under His wing and protect you. And after you have rested a while, I pray that you seek Him and his plan for you, and then gather the courage to walk the path He has set before you.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4
They that wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings like eagles. They shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
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