January 1st is here yet again. They say whatever you do today, you will do all year long? So today, I spent my day working on a rather large "Flego" (Fake Lego) set, watched a movie, showed a bit of self-care, and now I am writing. Perhaps that will be what my 2024 is full of. All joking aside, 2023 was a challenge. It had its ups and its downs for us. Hudson got braces, Jonathan excelled in Soccer this spring, and discovered a new sport, flag football that he would like to try again this spring. Eric and I have both flourished at our jobs and 2023 brought on the purchase of another camper which has led to more camping trips. I will say we did end it on a high note, where a month ago, I did not think that would be possible. I will honestly say in spite of the highlight reel I just shared, this year almost destroyed our family, quite literally.
The past year has brought on a ton of self-reflections and truths that I had been ignoring for far too long. I have been struggling with severe anxiety and it had been presenting itself with pressure in my chest. To the point I spent one day in the ER concerned I was having a heart attack. I felt I could not breath and I had a tingling running down my arm into my fingertips. Thankfully it was a false alarm. At first, we blamed my highly stressful job, with the quotas and customers needing things yesterday. But then I realized a few months ago how on edge I was at home as well. The symptoms were not just happening at work, but over the weekend as well. I realized, my homelife played a big part in my anxiety. Not all know my story, I try to keep it quiet. The story of the real reason the boys and I packed up and left Alaska. I will share it later as God leads me. For now, I will say that place took the anger and depression that Eric deals with to a whole new level and the person portrayed on Sunday was not the Monday through Saturday person. This has been the case most of my marriage, not that he has ever laid a hand on me, but words cut deep. Since moving back home to Alabama, I have been actively trying to escape the prison of my marriage, but every time I would pull away, the hold Eric had would tighten. It felt suffocating at times, but I would always keep going, for the boys. We lacked connection. We were existing together. Roommates, with benefits. On top of this the boys and I were always walking on eggshells. Always checking the temperature of the room to see if something was about to set him off.
I want to be clear; I was not innocent either. Over the past year and a half, I found connection elsewhere. I reconnected with an old friend, and we were talking daily. In recent months, that friendly love grew into something much deeper, and I found myself in an emotional affair.
I finally reached out for counselling. I needed answers. I felt like I was going crazy. Between the years of mental and verbal abuse, the stress of work, the worry about what God would think and on top of all of this the feelings I had for someone else, and me seeing through that relationship what real loved looked like, I was a complete wreck.
This triggered Eric also seek counselling. For years I begged for this, but he would never go. Why now? Because I told him I was done, and he knew I was serious.
This entire process I have been open and honest, about my thoughts, feelings and emotional affair. I opened baggage and hurts that I had packed away for years. Things that I have held onto for a long time. Every time I would pull a memory out, another would be right there behind it. I shared writings, journal entries and info my therapist would tell me. Eric did the same. For the FIRST TIME EVER, he felt my pain. He realized the depth of the scars. Scars he inflicted with his words and actions and the depth of my hatred and resentment I had for him. He realized he had driven me away. Now, this time, he wanted to change.
Is he changed? Not completely, though he is doing much better with his anger issues. When he gets upset, we still all freeze waiting for the shoe to drop, but he calms down and changes his tone and handles things calmly.
I do believe, God reached down and touched this situation. That is the only explanation I have. He took what could have been a horrible year for our family and he turned it around. God brought healing and forgiveness to our family this year, and for that I am grateful. Are things perfect? Absolutely not! Are we still working through things, and going to counseling? Yes. Do we have a long road ahead? Yes!
At the beginning of my journey, God showed me a dragon fly. I kept seeing them daily and I asked Him, what are you trying to tell me God? A dragonfly is a symbol of change, transformation and self-realization. New Beginnings is what I gleaned from that. New Beginnings. So here is to 2024. May it be a year of New Beginnings, Growth and Restoration.
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