The past 2 years has brought on quite a bit of self-reflection and healing. My brain sent me through a midlife crisis, which is the only way I know to describe it. It caused me to take note of every decision I have ever made and who is this person looking back at me in the mirror. She is not who the inner me, the other person, wanted to be. Cue Mulan's "Who is that girl I see, looking straight back at me? When will my reflection show who I am inside?"
Gone are the days of drawing, painting, reading, and writing, some of my favorite things, some of the things that made me "Me". I got to a point where I did not even listen to music anymore, or sing, another thing that brought joy and made me who I am. They were all sacrificed and lost on the altar of "keep everyone else happy." Don't get me wrong, being a mom and wife are very rewarding, but one finds that they lose themselves over time as others needs get put before your own. That is where I found myself a little over a year ago. Each piece of ME dropped and lost a little on this road called life to make room for work, church, marriage, and motherhood. Until all that was left was a shell of the person that once was. Where had she gone. A year ago, I found her. She was in a prison cell, dark and dirty, neglected from time. Her pallor was pale and her frame small and frail. She looked sad, no, heartbroken. Life had been hard and ragged, and it had taken its toll. Her eyes where dark and hollow, where life and twinkles used to reside.
What have I done? Why hadn't I stood up for her sooner? I am happy to say she has been rescued and is safe, but when brough to the light the scars showed themselves vividly, dark and deep on her pale white skin. Years of emotional abuse and self-neglect. I am responsible for this I thought. I had open doors, and I ignored them, and now she is starved and near death.
As a part of this journey, I purchased a book called 301 Drawing Ideas. I have only used it once since I purchased it months ago, and after much encouragement, picked it up today to sketch. Today the idea was "Swing." I contemplated that word, and saw a young woman on a swing, and as the drawing unfolded, I started to see a 17-year-old girl. Me. A Junior in high school. The girl before the pain and scars. She was sitting in a swing watching a sun set. So many regrets as I look back at her. My how I have failed her and looking her in the eye has been the hardest for me. She had goals. She wanted to be loved.
But looking backward will not miraculously make those scars and pain disappear. The only good it does is determining what direction you need to go in moving forward. What steps to take to bring her back without completely disrupting the person you have become. A melding of the two personas.
But then I changed perspective....but look how far you have come. The obstacles you have faced and overcome. The heights you have risen too. The pain and scars, though it has been hard, that has made me who I am today.
Moving forward I am learning to listen to that girl inside. There are still things she wants to do. Goals that have yet to be met. Dreams yet to be fulfilled. I am working diligently to follow that heart and go after some of those dreams. But in the meantime, I am also learning to listen to music more and sing along again. I am drawing and writing more and reading books. I share this today as a reminder to all, that no matter how much life wears you down or how busy you get, don't lose yourself. Don't get so overwhelmed that you forget who you are. Because let me tell you, it is a long hard road to nurse the forgotten inner child back to health.
Comments